Uh-Uh

My head elf Rodriguez says he wants a raise. I told him when he has as much hair on his head as he does on his ass, I'll think about it.

Lunch At Outback

So I went to Outback last week for lunch. Had to fly all the way to Nome, Alaska, -the closest one - with Rudolph complaining all the way about how cold it was.
"Listen you son-of-a-reindeer!" I yelled from the front of the sleigh. "No one told you you had to come!"
"You need my nose!" he yelled back.
"The elf I do," I laughed. "I have the power to fly entirely around the world a gazillion times in less than a day. You really think I need your elfing nose to see where I'm going? Come on!"

It's the off season around here and Santa badly needs some down time. At the Outback, I ordered a big steak and a couple of lobster tails, and was just diving into my Caesar salad when two punks from the next table sheepishly sidled over to my table and sat down. They had already been scoping me out for the past five minutes from their own table with their droopy, Vicodin-laden eyes and dopey grins, so I knew it was just a matter of time before they got the bright idea to come over and say hello to Santa.

They sat down. No preamble. No explanations or excuses. Just sat down grinning. I was in the middle of picking my teeth - a piece of a crouton had gotten jammed in there - but I just put my fork down and tried to smile, the crouton peeking out between two incisors.

"Hello," I said. "Uh...can I help you?"

They looked at each other and giggled. It was obvious more than just one drug was coursing through their veins.

The guy tried to say something but nothing came out. He couldn't stop giggling. Then the girl leaned forward and after staging a big production like she was about to recite the Dennis Hopper "Eggplant" speech from True Romance, instead simply said "Hi." It was a long, drawn-out kind of "hi," as if her tongue had gotten stuck and kept repeating, hammering continuously like a keyboard letter on the roof of her mouth.

Suddenly the guy's brain kicked in and his face got all serious. I could practically see his neurons firing in the background, shuffling Quadratic equations and such aside just so he could finally blurt out a sentence: "You're Santa, right?"
"Uh huh," I said, nodding. "I am."
"See," he said to the girl, beaming. "It IS Santa!"
"And you're what?" I said. "About twenty-eight? Give me a break here, but I'm trying to have dinner."
The girl grinned widely. "That lobster tail sure does looks good!"
"It IS good," I said, already bored, "but I'm going to stick my neck out here and venture a guess that you're going to want a bite, aren't you Buttercup?"
"I'd love a bite!" she gushed, and suddenly snatched a piece from the plate with her fingers.
I laughed.
Then she went for another one.
Well, the long and short of it is, I had to stab her head with my fork to get her to let off my food. It wasn't a deep gouge and I think I only caught her with just two of the tines but it did bleed a bit.

That's a picture of us just after I stuck her. I had to tightly compress my hand over the cut so it wouldn't bleed too much. I guess I cut her deeper than I thought. They're only smiling in the picture because I promised to bring them some OxyContin for Christmas early even though it was only May. But only if they were good.

On my way out of the restaurant I stopped by their table.
"Hey you two. Here's an early present," I said, tossing my dinner check to them. "Take care of it, will you? And hey," I paused, heading for the door, "Have a merry!"

Santa's Sick

Santa isn't feeling very well today. I caught a cold a few days ago carrying buckets of oats back and forth in the elfin' snow to the barn for the reindeer because Rodney, my loopy feed specialist got a hang-nail and called in sick. I think I definitely had one too many shots of Nyquil last night considering that Herman, my lead elf in Technology R & D says he found me this morning passed out underneath the particle accelerator bubble chamber, mumbling something about Mrs. Claus not fulfilling her fellation duties...so bottom line, give me a break today.

Dear Children of the World

Dear Children of the World,

First of all, I am not your sugar-daddy. If you want something, do what the rest of us do: stop whining and get a job. Secondly, no, i will NOT be renewing my membership with AAA. Stop asking. Don't worry, I'll be fine. I got a jack. Finally, perhaps you should be asking yourself this question instead: what will you be getting ME this year?

Yours in Christmas and stuff,
Santa